A young boy and his parents are at a
friends’ home for dinner. The mother worries about how her son will react when
he is asked to remove his toy from the dinner table. He is having so much fun with his toy tank,
but dinner is being served and it is time to put toys away. Sure enough, he becomes very upset with the
request to put his toy away and has an unexpected response of crying and
refusing to rejoin the group at the table.
The mother gets up to help him calm down. The father interjects that he can play with
his toy later and to stop crying. One of
the friend’s encourages the mother to leave the child in the other room and
come enjoy her dinner. The mother feels embarrassed,
frustrated, and small. These situations
occur more often than not for this family.
The mother feels she has no control over how her child behaves. She receives a lot of unsolicited
advice. She chooses to accept the advice
as well-meaning, however cannot help but feel judged. She feels pressured to be stricter with her
child, which only backfires into increased emotional outburst. The next person
who offers her advice is going to be on the receiving end of her own emotional
outburst.
It is frustrating to be the parent of “that
child”. But, what if the child is equally frustrated? Part of childhood development is acquiring
emotional self-regulation skills. Some
children show immature emotional self-regulation. Emotional self-regulation refers to a
person’s ability to regulate ones feelings and emotional responses in various
situations, and respond appropriately to other people’s feelings. According to Dr. Bruce Sperry (see: http://teacher.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry/self_regulation.htm), failure to develop emotional self-regulation skills could be related to many factors, including
genetic predisposition, developing insults (such as lack of oxygen in utero),
or exposure to chaos, threats, and violence.
So how do we help children develop these
skills? We need to model healthy
emotional self-regulation for our children.
They learn by watching. If a
child struggles with emotional self-regulation, it is helpful to practice
skills when the child is not faced with emotional distress. There are great
resources out there for parents/guardians, child care providers and teachers to
aid children with developing self-regulation skills. For young children, The Zones of Regulation program (http://zonesofregulation.com/index.html) can help children label emotions and learn to control
their responses. Another great resource is the book You are a Social Detective (Michelle
Garcier Winner, Pamela Crooke) and its associated Social Detective App. You
are a Social Detective helps children understand how their behaviour is
interpreted by others; and explains expected versus unexpected behaviour. It can be very empowering when we understand
emotions and are able to respond in a socially acceptable manner.
The earlier we intervene with ensuring
development of good emotional self-regulation skills the better. These skills impact a child’s ability to
develop friendships, learn, and cope with life stressors. Emotional self-regulation is also the
foundation for good mental health. If we want to have well adjusted children who grow into well adjusted adults, we need to lay the foundation early.
