The Dark Cloud Within

I have gaps in my memory.  When people share memories of their childhood, high school and university days, I cannot relate.  Truth is I was so hyper focused on my thoughts that I couldn’t simply enjoy the moment.  I was preoccupied by the discomfort in my body, rigidity, an inability to relax.   I could hear myself breathe, the loudness of my footsteps when I walked into a room, the squeak of my voice when I spoke aloud.  I used to laugh inappropriately or not respond at all.  While speaking with people, I would become preoccupied with worry about what they were thinking of me.  

I do remember an assignment in university that required I present to my class.  The previous year  I opted out of a public speaking class, due to fear of standing in front of people and having to string together intelligent thoughts.  And then there I was… I had to do a presentation with no public speaking class to ready me.   And so, I prepared, I spoke and then I returned to my university apartment and cried my heart out because I felt it went so poorly.  Then, the next day a few classmates congratulated me on my presentation.   So, obviously, my perception was not in line with reality.  And, I received a reasonable grade.  And so this was the cycle, become overwhelmed by a task, perform the task and then cry and be exhausted afterwards.  That was university life for me.  Unless I could avoid the task altogether. 

There were nights when sleep would evade me.   My skins would crawl, the covers not comfortable, the pillows not full enough, or too full.  Even though I was physically exhausted, my mind would not stop racing.  Mornings were full of paralyzing fatigue.   

And this was life for me.  I couldn’t figure out how other people managed to simply be.  Were other people plagued with thoughts of self-doubt? 

When I was ten years old my family physician told my mother that I was high-strung.  I was very offended by his description of me.  What did that mean?  “High-strung”?  No help was offered.  My mother’s concerns were shrugged off.  Meanwhile, I struggled socially.  I had friends, but never felt like I fit.

 I was always most comfortable at home, or funny enough, on stage performing.  However, I never fulfilled my dream of becoming a performer because although on stage I felt the most relaxed and confident; the thought of auditioning was too frightening.   But, oh, when I sang, when I acted, I felt so powerful. 

And so it held me back…this dark cloud within me.  Invisible to those around me, but always in my way.   I still have days where I need to break away from the world around me and seek solace in solitude.  But now I just consider myself a “social introvert”.    It had to come to a head before I sought treatment, but now I feel comfortable in my skin…for the most part.  Imagine what I could have done if I had the tools to clear the dark cloud when I was a child.  But it was my journey.  By sharing my struggle, which I typically keep within a circle of very close friends and family, I hope people with find the courage to ask for help, either for them or for their children.  There is no such thing as suffering in silence, for in my head, it was very loud.