Empathy and the “Bully”

In my last blog post I talked about emotional self-regulation. What is it and how can we help facilitate good emotional self-regulation in our children.  Being able to regulate one’s own emotional responses is an essential component to empathy.  When teaching children empathy, one of the first steps is helping children identify feelings, both in themselves and others.  Why is it important to teach our children empathy?  Empathy helps children see the world through someone else’s eyes.  Empathetic children become compassionate adults.  Which is wonderful…until your child feels bullied. 

Our son came home after school complaining (again) about a child who was being a “bully”.  Frustrated by hearing yet another tale of our son being physically accosted, the momma bear in me felt like marching down to the school and scolding the child in question.  However, once a calmer head prevailed I decided to address the situation in a different way. 

I told my son that what the child did was wrong, however I asked our son why he thought the child was acting in that way.  Our son looked at me inquisitively.  We talked about how not everyone thinks before doing.  That the child was likely not thinking about how his actions could be hurtful to others.

There are many reasons why a child might act in a hurtful way toward others, but that doesn’t mean he should get a pass on his behaviour.  And let’s face it, everyone can act like a jerk sometimes!  We can’t change everyone else’s behaviour, but we can manage our own responses.  This is an important lesson for our children to learn. 

I remember when our son was young bringing him to an indoor play centre.   Our son ran to me upset by another child who was pushing him.   I told him that he did not have to play with the child, that we do not spend time with others who are not being nice.  Our son promptly told the child that he does not play with people who are not nice.  This was empowering to our son and also stopped the other child in his tracks.  We are always teaching our children to be nice, but forget to tell them when others are not nice they do not have to stand for it. 

At home where our son is most comfortable we have him practice what he would say if faced with unwelcome behaviour.  Rather than run away and tell an adult right away, we want our son to feel confident asserting himself and using his words effectively.  We also chat about what “bullying” means, because I think this term has become overused.  But, that is a discussion for another time.  I welcome your comments and opinions, as always.